


we are all going forward (none of us are going back)

by writevale



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Anxiety, Carlos is a Good Boyfriend, Cecil Is a Good Boyfriend, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Desert Otherworld, Sex, let them love each other, mild PTSD, the most loving sex, these boys just want to be okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 19:48:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21086831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writevale/pseuds/writevale
Summary: Coming home isn't as easy as they thought it would be.





	we are all going forward (none of us are going back)

'Wait!' Carlos murmured into the night's chill. Cecil froze, key in one hand, his other laced tightly into his boyfriend's. They had been taking care to ensure that they were touching every moment since Cecil laid eyes on him at the Opera After Party. With his free hand, the scientist rummaged in the over-stuffed pockets of his lab coat and, after some frowning and lip biting, pulled out his own house key with a grin that made Cecil's heart stutter.

They stood in the hallway and Cecil watched Carlos take in the emptiness of the place. This husk of a home that suddenly felt incredibly small with two people in it. They both eyed Cecil's suitcase, standing to attention at the bottom of the stairs. Ready for his imminent departure into a life he'd thought he wanted. He laid a hand softly on Carlos' back.

'Would you like a drink? Or, are you hungry or anything?'

Carlos turned to take Cecil's hand and pushed up his sleeve to reveal the inky mystery of his shifting tattoos and the tender red line encircling his wrist where he had pulled against the handcuffs.

'Let's go to bed.' He said.

There were issues. When Carlos said 'Let's go to bed.' he was apparently content to simply change and crawl straight under the sheets, still finely coated in a dusty layer of Desert Otherworld. Cecil had packed away Carlos' Sleeping Lab Coat and failed miserably in his initial attempts to locate it. They each displayed their unhappiness with a wrinkled nose and a hurt look until the other caved and showered or disturbed a neat stack of boxes to find a coat that was, in many ways, identical to the other thirty he had sifted through.

'It's so different with everything packed.' Carlos commented once they were finally clean and in bed. Cecil shuffled his body closer to press against his side and felt a pang in his chest as he re-learnt what it was like to have someone there to fulfil his perpetual greed for body heat. He pressed a kiss to a silvery temple.

'We can unpack it all tomorrow.' He promised with another kiss. Carlos huffed thoughtfully. His brown eyes were beautiful and slightly unfocused without his glasses on.

'It's going to be so strange having belongings again.'

Cecil laughed at that and snuggled in even closer. Carlos smelt like his shower gel and that was perfect. He squeezed his eyes shut, tight enough that he saw twinkling shapes in the blackness. Carlos was still there when he opened them. Cecil had anticipated a rush of joy at the revelation and, true, it did make him immeasurably happy, but -

His eyes prickled and watered. When he tried to speak his voice came out in a croak.

'I can't believe we're here._ Together_.'

Carlos shifted to meet his eyes and laid a rough hand on his face. Something complex and dark was swirling in his eyes and Cecil was seized by a panic. _Don't apologise, _he thought. _Please, just tell me something true._ _Something I can believe in. _

'There is nowhere else I ever want to be. Ever.' He kissed a wet cheek and, impossibly, pulled Cecil closer.

And, in the dark space between Carlos' shoulder and the tickle of his damp hair, Cecil believed him.

******

Carlos heard Cecil's footsteps approaching and let out a soft sigh before opening the last cupboard door. Of course, the mugs were in the last place he looked. Nothing was where he remembered it to be.

'Hi, bunny.' Cecil deposited his shopping bags on the counter top.

'Everything's moved!' Carlos complained, gesturing to the open cupboard doors to highlight his point. He folded his arms even as Cecil chuckled and kissed his cheek.

'I had a bit of a re-arrange while you were away. I forgot.'

'There was nothing wrong with how it was. In fact, it was very scientifically ergonomic. Don't you remember, we worked it out-?'

'Ah, how could I forget?' Cecil didn't look particularly fussed. A small voice at the back of his mind warned him that he hadn't slept in a long time and, thus, he was vulnerable to overreacting. A much louder voice at the front of his mind was stomping its metaphorical foot in fury that Cecil would change something that had been designed according to the laws of science. 'You'll get used to it, I'm sure.'

'Can't I just put it all back to normal?'

Cecil paused, the can of Immeasurable Soup halfway to its (new) spot in the cupboard, 'This is normal for me.'

******

Later that night, their bodies were sweat-slicked and flush together. Carlos' hips were moving in a slow undulation that would, a year ago, have been enough to fracture Cecil's rational mind. The scientist reached a hand between them, to stroke their erections together. A small moan caught behind his teeth and he ducked his mouth to Cecil's ear to ask:

'Does that feel good, baby?'

'Uhuh.' Cecil replied. Because, objectively, yes. It did feel good. However, there was a large part of Cecil that was acutely aware that this was their first time together since Carlos was back from the Desert Otherworld. Time to make good on all the promises they had made through whispered late-night phone calls and, frequently, desperate middle-of-the-day phone calls. And even though they'd had sex - so very, very much sex - during Cecil's vacation, it felt different. He'd not wanted anything to be _perfect _like he wanted this to be perfect in a long time.

It was a lot of pressure.

Carlos sat up, straddling Cecil's hips, and fixed him with a concerned look. His cock was distractingly close to Cecil's eye level.

'Honey, are you okay?'

'Hmm?' He said, tearing his eyes upwards. His body was suddenly cold without Carlos pressed against him.

'Ceec?' A tanned hand traced down Cecil's chest and wrapped around his shaft. Carlos was watching his face closely and so caught the moment's indecision there. He removed his hand. 'Baby, what's wrong?'

'Nothing!' Cecil said quickly. He blushed and Carlos frowned. A niggle of frustration wormed its way into Cecil's chest. He was the one so caught up in wanting it to be perfect and now he was ruining it. Another, much worse, feeling reminded him that he never knew when the last time he did this with Carlos was going to be. And he was ruining it. He rubbed his face with his hands. 'I'm sorry.'

'Need me to get off?' Carlos asked, but he was already manoeuvring himself over Cecil's legs to lay by his side. Cecil pulled the sheet over them both, feeling more exposed than his nakedness would account for, and shivered as Carlos pecked his lightly freckled shoulder. 'What's going on?'

'Sorry.'

'Don't be sorry! It's okay.' Carlos' oaky tones were at an odds with the hardness that kept nudging Cecil in the leg. He wanted to cry. 'Did I do something wrong?'

'No-! No, of course not. You're-' He made a mildly disgusted noise in the back of his throat, the universal signifier of: _you are so distressingly attractive to me, I think I might die_. He dared to look his boyfriend in the eyes, 'I'm worried. That. I just -' Carlos stroked his side with his fingertips, face patient. 'It's been a while, you know?' The scientist's eyes sparkled.

'Baby, that's okay. I don’t think either of us are going to last _that _long.'

'No. No, no.' Cecil sighed. 'Bunny, you know exactly how frequently I- Why would I be worried about that?' Carlos giggled. Cecil treated himself to the pleasure of brushing a few glorious curls out from Carlos' deep, brown eyes. 'I just wanted this to be perfect. It feels like it should be perfect.'

Carlos reached a tanned hand out from the sheets to twine their fingers together. He was smiling as he pressed a gentle kiss to each of Cecil’s fingertips.

‘Scientifically speaking, we are all mutants and if perfection existed, we wouldn’t.’ He said, soothingly. Cecil didn’t feel incredibly soothed. His boyfriend tried again. ‘Remember the very first time we were . . . You know, intimate?’

‘Ye-es?’ A small smirk and a flush of pink formed a dazzling incongruity on Cecil’s face.

‘And we were sooo nervous.’

Cecil could almost see the scene from his spot under the sheet. Two men hurtling through the bedroom door before coming to a complete halt at the bottom of the bed, all wide eyes and swollen lips.

‘We were.’ He smiled at the memory and melted a little into Carlos’ side. His body would always become loose and happy in the presence of his naked scientist, even as his mind raced onwards. Carlos unlinked their fingers to run his warm hand down Cecil's stomach.

'It wasn't perfect-'

'It was great though!' Cecil protested and then made a tiny 'ah' sound in his mind as he took in the twitch in Carlos' lips. He could just see how Carlos would make an excellent tutor, leading his students to the answer whilst letting their brains do the legwork. Carlos' fingers flirted closer to his groin and Cecil breathed.

It might not be _perfect_. But it could be great. It could be varying degrees of wonderful for the rest of their lives.

He breathed again.

*****

Carlos jerked awake. His hands were trapped in the sleeves of his lab coat and he swore as he wrestled himself free. The thumps of his heart roared in his ears as though it were a great drumming that woke him, not the nightmare of -

Something shuffled on the bed.

Carlos let out a high-pitched whine as it lifted its head and extended a long, pale arm outwards towards the bedside table. When the light came on he'd be greeted with deep black pits in the place where expressive, violet irises should lie and a smile. That _smile_. 

'Bunny! Carlos!' The lamp flicked on and a warm yellow light coated the occupants of the bed like honey.

It wasn't K-

It was Cecil.

It was just his Cecil.

He let out a long shaky breath. The kind that would morph into a sob given the slightest opportunity. Cecil's hands were warm on his face as his head was lifted to meet those beautiful eyes.

'Carlos, it's just me. It's just me.'

'I know.' Carlos' voice was mournful. He let himself be pulled into Cecil's lap. The lamplight made the pale hairs on his arms and chest look like spun gold. Carlos ran a hand delicately over the delicate lines of Cecil's tattoos, an old favourite method he used to calm down and focus before -

'I'm sorry.' He breathed.

Before he ever stepped through an old oak door.

The pounding of his heart became a sickly feeling in his stomach as he waited for Cecil to murmur something soothing into his hair. This was the third night in a row that Carlos had woken suddenly in this state. He could almost hear the cogs whirring in Cecil's head as he tried to process what could possibly have shaken his boyfriend so much that he no longer slept like the most peaceful log in town. 'Ceec-?'

'Ssh, it's okay. It’s okay.' His voice was forming the right words but he seemed miles away. Carlos' stomach was in knots. Cecil merely pretended to sleep. He wouldn’t be asked to sleep elsewhere for disturbing that, would he? 'I don't-' Cecil's voice was rough, 'What's going on, Carlos?'

More whine that speech, 'I don't know, baby.' He breathed shakily, 'I just have these nightmares.' The tiny raven on Cecil's forearm flapped its wings and Carlos traced its route up his boyfriend's arm as it came to perch on the smooth curve of his collar bone.

'You keep mistaking me for Kevin.' The underlying hurt made Carlos want to curl in on himself and cry. Because yes. Yes, in the hazy, panicked moments in between sleep and full consciousness, he sees that lean, long-limbed form and his mind jumps immediately to the nightmarish face of his only human companion for the past decade. It seemed cruel that Carlos had let his work and his constant ache for Cecil act as a barrier to any close friendship between himself and Kevin and, now he was back in Night Vale, he was upsetting Cecil with the same spectre he had abandoned to that place. Despite Cecil's gentle pushing, he wasn't anywhere near close to being able to properly articulate how it felt to be straddling the faultline of the memories of his failures in the Desert Otherworld and the troubling imperfections of his new-old home in Night Vale.

'You are doubles.' That was a point Cecil had to concede. The blond made a pained sound and tightened his grip around Carlos' waist.

'Bunny, I want to help you.'

'I know, Ceec. I know.'

*****

The coffee flowed through parted lips and sank into Cecil's stomach, infusing him with exactly the kind of shaky focus he needed to get through the last part of his show.

Everyone meant well. He knew that.

The Intern who casually commented on how happy he must be to have Carlos back home as they handed over the news and the youth on the check-out at the Ralph's who smiled and noted that he was buying food for two again. Cecil was grateful that the check-out assistant neglected to mention that Cecil was also buying far fewer spirits as well.

It was wonderful to have Carlos home. That morning he'd woken Carlos up with a flurry of gentle kisses to the parts of his soft skin that weren't covered by sheet and lab coat and the scientist had smiled sleepily as though he hadn't woken up in the early hours, a sweating, shaky mess.

There was just a lot to get re-accustomed too.

In the first few heady days of Carlos' return, the pair had been all over each other. Cecil could stroke a finger down Carlos' cheek as he enthused about the changes his colleagues had made to the lab in his absence or wind his hand around Carlos' waist as they stood in the kitchen, waiting for the popcorn to stop screaming, or rub smooth circles into the back of his boyfriend's neck with his thumb. They had been without physical contact for so long that, in the first few days, Carlos permitted all of it. It was enough for Cecil to forget that Carlos was _sensitive _and often found even platonic gestures distracting to the point of irritation. Once upon a time, Cecil had intuitively known exactly what Carlos would enjoy and when he could turn a distraction into _something else_.

He sighed and took another long drink of coffee. Today's community calendar announcement was hovering above his desk as though repelled by the dark wood. He pretended to peruse it as he mentally replayed the moment when Carlos had snapped at him for stroking his hair when he was trying to understand Nilanjana's most recent seismology report. Cecil with his hand as though burned. Carlos' subsequent apology had felt a bit like an airbag going off just after you've broken your front teeth on the steering wheel.

It was made more difficult by the fact that Cecil could feel himself falling for Carlos all over again. He was convinced that his adoration for his boyfriend had not dimmed during the time they spent apart and so the only explanation for the way the straw-filled abomination in his chest fizzed and stumbled at the sight of the smile lines behind Carlos' thick glasses and the feeling of Carlos' calloused hands on his skin was that he was being pulled even further under with his love for the other man. This love manifested itself as a tingling in Cecil's fingertips, a compulsion to reassure himself of Carlos' physical presence and make him feel as _good _as Cecil felt having him there.

When Cecil first fell in love with the handsome outsider he had flirted dangerously close to obsession, causing Carlos to place himself tactically out of reach. Too much, too soon and he could drive Carlos away again.

He'd only just got him back.

Cecil had just over a minute until he was back on air and he allowed the demand of his racing pulse to persuade him to pull out his phone and fire off a quick message. Carlos was spending his first full day back in the lab, attempting to salvage some of the work he almost, _almost_ completed in the Desert Otherworld. It was a small mercy that Cecil wasn't expected to understand the year's worth of scientific progress - it seemed incredibly complex - but Cecil did understand that Carlos was devastated that it might be lost for good. Breakfast had been a tense affair, punctuated only by the rhythmic tapping of Carlos' foot as he jigged his leg nervously. Cecil suspected that the lack of news from his boyfriend might be a bad omen.  


_Hope it's going well, bun. Love you. _

_It's not. _Came the response.

*****

In a bizarre coincidence, the temperature of the hallway was exactly the same as the still Desert evening outside. On another day Carlos might have enjoyed that. He might have even retrieved the thermometer from his pocket to check the error. He might have done a quick check with this danger meter - just in case. Coincidences could be dangerous in Night Vale.

Instead, he kicked off his shoes, leaving them on the floor where they fell instead of in the cupboard where he knew they belonged. The door to the living room opened to reveal one Cecil Palmer, still dressed from work, face a blend of sympathy and caution.

Carlos didn't want to deal with that. He didn't want to think about any of it. The carpet was soft under his feet, but not as soft as the shifting silkiness of the sand in the Otherworld he had brought to line the floor of his house. It had been like living on the beach. Except, the only waves had been radiation and the flow of travelling armies across the barren landscape.  


'Carl-' Cecil started. Carlos shook his head as he stomped over, resenting the carpet and the care in Cecil's voice, but, most of all, himself.

'Don't want to talk about it.' He mumbled and saw Cecil frown. He came to a halt barely an inch away from Cecil's face. This close, he could see Cecil's pupils dilate as he breathed him in. It was his treat in the few minutes before his glasses got thrown off somewhere. Cecil had been trying valiantly to relearn how to keep his hands to himself and, when Carlos glanced down, he saw that the other man had clasped them behind his back. Cecil's lips were soft as he leant upwards just slightly to kiss them. 'Don't want to think about it, Ceec.'

'Right.'

'Yes.'

'I should -?'

'Please.'

Carlos let out a yelp as Cecil's hands appeared from nowhere, reaching round to grab his ass and lift him up until his back was resting against the wall. His boyfriend grinned cheekily as Carlos gripped him with his legs and, in fairness, it made for an excellent start to stopping him from thinking too hard.

'Kiss me.' He said. And Cecil did.

It was gentle at first, a delightful counterpoint to the way Cecil's fingers dug into his flesh as he held the weight of him, but ultimately not enough. Not nearly enough. He let out a calculated whine of discontent and, predictably, Cecil caved, deepening the kiss and moaning low in his throat as Carlos tugged him down by the short blond strands of his hair.

Decidedly not thinking about the flashing excuse (**FILE CORRUPTED**) on his computer screen, Carlos let his hands trace down the smooth line of Cecil's neck and dance across the collar of his silky shirt. Cecil huffed in surprise as Carlos started to fumble blindly at the buttons and the scientist pulled back to admire Cecil's mussed hair, the tattoos peeking through the widening opening in his shirt. The only good work he'd done in the last decade since (**FILE CORRUPTED**) he'd lost _everything_.

'Carlos-'

'I don't wanna talk about it!'

Cecil kissed his forehead. 'Carlos, sofa or bed?'

'Oh.' He coloured pink, 'Sofa.'

'An excellent choice.' Cecil smirked and shifted his weight so he could carry Carlos the short distance into the living room and lay him down gently so his head came to rest on the folded Afghan.

Sometimes, Cecil was so careful with him that it made Carlos' chest hurt. He never really felt worthy of Cecil's attention and, today, gentle worship would be too much to cope with.

Carlos wriggled between the pillars made by Cecil's arms to shimmy out of his jeans. He hissed as Cecil reached down to squeeze his cock beneath the thin fabric of his underwear. 'Take those off too.' His voice was low and radio-rough. For a moment, Carlos imagined the crackle of a phone line overlaying his demand. That had been their bread and butter before (**FILE CORRUPTED**) Carlos had managed to ruin everything. 'Bunny?'

Carlos hastily stripped out of his boxers in lieu of a reply. He felt like his skin was on fire. Cecil kissed him, his forehead, his cheeks, both corners of his mouth, the line of his jaw. He stroked along the shell of Carlos' ear with a finger and Carlos felt it in his crotch. His heart pounded and all he wanted was to be able to melt back into the shabby-chic fabric of the sofa, both hard and pliant under Cecil's hands. He wanted to stop (**FILE CORRUPTED**) thinking.

'Honey, I need-'

Cecil ground his hips down onto Carlos' thigh with a hiss. 'Tell me.' Carlos reached up to pull Cecil downwards until he could whisper to him without having to make eye contact.

'Fuck me 'til I can't think straight.'

He felt Cecil's gasp more than he heard it and watched two red spots form high on his boyfriend's lovely cheekbones as the blond leant over to the drawer under the coffee table, where there had always been a secret bottle of lube from Cecil's many years as a bachelor. 

He gave himself a few slow strokes, trying to enjoy the slight friction, the sinuous way Cecil stripped and folded his clothes, and to not think about his stupid (**FILE CORRUPTED**) data and how he must be the worst scientist in the world for wasting such an opportunity. He had almost understood-

‘Hi, you.’ Cecil interrupted, his face suddenly hovering a few inches above Carlos' own. Slick fingers wrapped around Carlos and he moaned softly. That was much better than his own calloused hand. Cecil laughed and ducked down to kiss him hungrily, fingers disappearing and reappearing as a slow circle around his entrance.

'Oh. Ff-' Carlos managed as Cecil started to open him up.

He managed not to think of his ruined experiments for a solid thirty seconds as Cecil curled his fingers inside and Carlos saw stars. The constellations in the Desert Otherworld changed every night. It was one of the things Carlos was already missing about the place. He groped blindly for Cecil, revelling in the sharp hiss of satisfaction the blond made when his hand enclosed around the heat of his erection. Finally, something he could do right.

'Baby, Ceec, baby, _please_.' He sagged back in relief as he heard the plastic snap of the lube bottle and felt Cecil's hand bump his own out of the way to slick himself up. The sofa was really too small for two men with legs as long as theirs but Cecil somehow repositioned them so that Carlos' legs were hung over his shoulders so he could line himself up and-

Carlos wasn't thinking about the time that Cecil had laid him out across his Otherworld lab bench just like this, or the way they'd wheezed with laughter as Doug and Alicia had strode in on them, because that lead to thinking about the way Doug and Alicia had trashed his lab and-

'_Fuck_.'

The pressure-pain-pleasure of Cecil pushing into him momentarily halted all thinking. Cecil's mouth was open, eyes resting shut and he twisted his head to press a kiss into the side of Carlos' knee. Carlos reached out to stroke a hand down Cecil's chest, letting his nails catch on the delicate lines of the star chart tattooed across his right pectoral muscle. He bit into his lip as Cecil started to thrust with more confidence and thought: _God, I don't deserve this_.

'Carlos, you feel so good.' Cecil gripped his legs and pushed down to press their lips together. Tanned hands wound into blond hair as they kissed between gasped moans as the new position changed the angle in a way that made Carlos' back arch. '_So good_.' Cecil whispered in his ear as he nuzzled underneath Carlos' jaw to make him turn his head and display the sensitive skin of his neck. 'So good.'

Carlos' hips started to rock of their own accord and his boyfriend sucked and nibbled at his neck, a hand slipping upwards to tug on Carlos' hair. Tomorrow, there would be purple blooms decorating the sun-darkened skin and Carlos already felt a guilty twist in his stomach. So many people would see these marks and wouldn't understand how unworthy he was of them. (**FILE CORRUPTED**).

A loud groan was trapped between Cecil's teeth and Carlos' neck and the scientist loved it and hated it in equal measure.

His feelings swirled and attempted to coalesce into something tangible in his stomach then scattered like falling ash with each hot snap of Cecil's hips. He was thrilled, really, that Cecil was enjoying himself. He'd been terrified that the time they'd spent away might have diluted their chemistry. It hadn't. But he didn't deserve _this_. Not the way Cecil's voice rumbled against his skin, or the way his fringe stuck to his forehead with sweat, or the way his tattoos writhed, seemingly mimicking the movement of Carlos' pelvis beneath him.

Cecil (still) thought of Carlos as mostly perfect. How could he ruin that illusion by explaining to Cecil that his time away from him had all been for nothing. (**FILE CORRUPTED**).

'I love you so much.' Cecil whispered reverently.

'I love you, ah- baby.' Carlos moaned despite his roiling stomach as Cecil changed his rhythm. Like throwing a match on a pool of gasoline.

It hurt, this love. If only-

If only Cecil would actually hurt him, give him something to stop him from thinking. Punish him.

And, burning in the fire in his groin, an idea formed like a phoenix and flew out of Carlos' mouth before he could stop it.

'Hit me.'

Cecil's neck snapped up in shock, thrusts faltering just slightly. Carlos reached for his shoulders and squeezed.

'What?'

'Hit me, Ceec. Just-' He let out a yelp of surprise as Cecil's large, pale hands wrapped around his biceps and he was lifted, bodily, off the sofa. The thick white fabric of his lab coat trailed after him like a bride's train. Cecil twisted like a gymnast and Carlos found himself sitting up, astride Cecil's legs and staring into concerned violet pools. He hissed as the head of Cecil's cock pushed at his entrance and slipped back inside.

'No.' Cecil's voice was firm but not unkind and Carlos had to bite his lip hard to stop it from shaking. Cecil kissed his forehead, his nose, his sore lips. 'Not today.' The blond started to grind his hips, mostly trapped by Carlos' weight. The effect was nothing like the rough fuck Carlos had angled for. It sent a warm spreading feeling right to the tips of his toes.

'_Please._'

'No.' Cecil kissed him again, catching his mouth this time. Carlos made a small, grumpy sound at the back of his throat, balancing the warring feeling that Cecil was being incredibly unfair and the knowledge that he was asking for something he didn't even want. He felt Cecil's fingers tighten around his arms, grounding him. 'Carlos, do you want to stop?'

'No.'

'Look at me.' Long fingers pushed back his fringe, 'Look at me. Do you want to stop?'

'No!' Carlos ignored the burn in his thighs and began to rock up and down. The serious demeanour Cecil had affected was splintered by a tight 'Ugh' of pleasure and a small, defiant part of Carlos' mind clapped delightedly at the sound. 'I'm sorry, I just-'

'Shhh.' Cecil pressed his lips to the burst capillaries in Carlos' neck. A shiver ran down his spine. 'I just- Just enjoy it, Carlos.'

It shouldn't have been difficult to enjoy in theory, but it was still hard to stay focused. Carlos squeezed his eyes shut, an attempt to protect himself from the soft, wrecked look in Cecil's eyes but every time he did, he saw his upended computer and the screen today that insisted (**file corrupted**).

'Look at me.' Cecil insisted, raising a hand to cup the side of his face, the other falling to his still swollen cock. 'You're gorgeous.' Carlos felt a surge of pleasure despite himself. Cecil pulled him closer, so their foreheads were touching, lips mere centimetres apart and Carlos could feel the way Cecil's breath washed over his skin, as if he was blowing away a layer of the past year with each thrust. Cecil slid his hand into Carlos' hair and held him there, whispering so low that the Secret Police microphones wouldn't detect that he was saying anything at all. 'So beautiful, Carlos. I love you so much.'

'Ceec-'

Cecil held him tighter, letting his thumb brush over the head of Carlos' erection with every squeeze of their bodies together. 'I'm - _fuck _\- so glad you came home to me.' The emotions that had been simmering in Carlos' stomach finally came to a boil. He exhaled and imagined them escaping like the steam from one of his bubbling Erlenmyer flasks. Because it didn't matter whether he deserved Cecil, he needed this. He chose this. And that must be enough.

'I love you, Cecil. I - ah - love you so - ff. Need you.'

'You've got me, bunny. I'm right here. I'm always right here.' Cecil closed the gap between their mouths as Carlos let out a moan that was more of a sob. 'Let it go. Let go for me.' They fell into each other, a frantic meeting of lips and tongue, and the pleasure of having Cecil inside his mouth and ass ran down Carlos' spine like melted butter. He let go with a gasp, mouth falling open and brow creasing as his body went taut and he spilled over Cecil's hand. 'Oh, _Carlos_.'

'Oh, honey. Oh - fuck - Ceec. Fuck.' Carlos bracketed his boyfriend's jawline with his hands and kissed him hard as he came down from his orgasm. He felt like the only building left standing after an Earthquake: shaken and proud of himself for surviving. He felt like someone had performed a hard reset (file corrupted) on him. Or like he'd been wandering in a dark cave and had stumbled into a patch of pure, golden sunlight. 'Fuck.'

'Yessss.' Cecil hissed. 'Oh, fuck. Mm, bunny you've got me so close for you.' Each press of Cecil's hips sent aftershocks through Carlos' body. He couldn't take much more.

'Yes, Ceec.' He gazed deep into the black pools of Cecil's pupils, tracing his fingernails down that gorgeously decorated chest to squeeze at the pink of his nipples. And the truths that never failed to tip his boyfriend into oblivion: 'You're so good for me, baby. You make me feel so fucking good.'

'Carlos! I'm gonna-'

'Yes, give it to me. Oh -'

Cecil tipped his head back against the sofa, eyes squeezing shut, and growled in harmony with Carlos' moan as he felt Cecil throb inside him.

Carlos' tears arrived when they were in the shower. Cecil held him close under the water and murmured soothing things into his wet hair. His voice reverberated in the steamy closeness of the shower cubicle and Carlos felt it surround him like an extra limb in the embrace. Perhaps, it was. It had been an exhausting day.

'I lost all my data.' He sniffed.

'I know, bunny.'

'It was all for nothing.'

Cecil clucked softly, 'You know that's not true.' Carlos let out a rasping, shaky breath. The kind a young child might make to let their carer know that their scraped knee was serious business.

'I got everything so wrong -' He made no attempt to wipe his eyes so Cecil did it for him.

'This is a fresh start now.' He promised, 'You can have a fresh start. You and me.' Carlos kissed a droplet of water off Cecil's chest. He pulled back to look Cecil in the eyes. The man was slightly out of focus without his glasses but something bounced and somersaulted in Carlos' chest, regardless.

'I love you.'

'I _love you_.'

*****

They adapted.

Carlos finally learned his way around the kitchen again - a skill aided by Cecil's threat that he would hide the Playstation remote if he kept passive-aggressively leaving mugs in the old cupboard. Night Vale was still the most scientifically interesting place in any dimension he had ever visited and, within a week, he was back working all hours on new projects, tutoring his colleagues and returning to old studies with new skills and gusto.

When he awoke in the middle of the night, a cold sweat dripping from him like the lazy path of a scuttling centipede, Cecil was always there. Always. And it was okay.

Cecil adjusted to having someone back in his space. Even if the person he had craved for the last year never made the bed and left congealing bowls of Flaky-O's on the counter-top. He outgrew the insecurity that Carlos was going to head out for the day and not come back. He would always come back, eventually. And he was worth waiting for.

Sometimes, he would look out at the town through the dusty window in his recording booth and there'd be a laser-eyed, rotten toothed, three-legged ferret-creature chasing Janice Rio down the street and he'd think: _Ugh, Night Vale. Take a day off_ and wonder how different things might have been if he were living in the Desert Otherworld with Carlos. Then, on other days, he would catch the mauve-teal sunset and the wobbly luminescence as the lights appeared above the Arby's and his heart would catch in his mouth. And it was okay.

Carlos had never been excellent with verbal expression. But, when people on the street excitedly commented about how happy he must be to be home, he looked at Cecil for a beat too long. And smiled a genuine smile.

'Of course!'

'And I'm _very _happy to have him home.'

<strike>And it was okay.</strike>

And it was _neat_.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, all! Thank you so much for reading. I was actually half-way through writing one of the three unfinished stories I have on the go when this idea popped into my head and a few weeks and several thousand words later, here we are. I actually think this story is (sadly) average but I am happy to be posting something for the first time in a while as I do want to keep writing even though the 8am-8pm days I'm pulling at the hospital/university are killing me off _rapidly_. I'm considering writing some waterfall josh/the boy - you can take that as a good measure of my mental status right now...
> 
> Just a little life update though: those of you who read 'please, don't bite' will be glad to know that I finally got awarded my masters and writing all that fanfiction during the dissertation time must have done me good because I knocked it outta the park!! I'm a real scientist now!!!!
> 
> Title from Snow and Dirty Rain by Richard Siken, but I'm sure you already knew that.


End file.
